I've been absent from the Internetosphere because I had a nasty cold last week—it was just like a Cyberman, but instead of turning me into a robot, it turned me into a Menacing Mucas Monster. (Ew!) But all that is past, and onward we go, 'cause today's news is radness cubed.
- Hey, Whitey, Your Epidermis Is Showing
Per some recent research, residents of Britain and Scandinavia were dark-skinned until 5,500 years ago. On the one hand, these findings could be way the eff off the mark. On the other hand, it would be pretty hilarious if the evolution of white skin was, in fact, a result of a vitamin D deficiency that cropped up in northern Europe following the swap from hunting and gathering to farming.
This really, really white guy is vitamin D–deficient! Take that, colonialism!
- Pansy-Ass Suck-Up Thinks A-Levels Are Too Easy
Speaking of research and scientists and smarty-pants things like that, British schoolboy (erm, middle-aged student) Costas Pitas thinks exams are getting easier. Just because Mr. Big-For-His-Britches points out that a whopping 97.5 percent of A-Level candidates passed their tests this year, and that said percentage has risen steadily for the last 26 years, is not proof of anything other than his ability to fabricate information.
Seriously, though, 97.5 percent of candidates passed their A-Levels?! You Brits better watch out, or you're going to find your education system mirroring America's. On this side of the pond, getting a college degree is as easy as breathing. Which means that getting a job may require a lifetime of debt to pay for that shiny new Master's degree you've always wanted!
What, Costas Pitas, there's not enough homework for you? Maybe you should ask Snape for a three-foot essay on being a square. (Oh, s-Nap!)
- "Boy in coma to be told his GCSE results"
While we're on the topic of exams: I really do hope everything turns out all right for Alex Hughes, who has been in a coma for three weeks post-being-hit-in-the-head-with-a-bottle. But I'm pretty sure"Boy in coma to be told his GCSE results" is the kind of headline that belongs to esteemed online news source The Onion (see "Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine").
Third paragraph of the Times of London article: "[Hughes'] mother, Helen, 43, will collect the results of his ten GCSEs from his school at 8.30am and take them to the intensive care ward where he is still unconscious."
Um. That's really very sweet. And I hope it helps. But is it news? (A hint: No.)
- Make Your Own Gore
Britain's enthusiasm for DIY projects knows no bounds. Exhibit A: The Guardian guide to "The joys of DIY gore." Read this article to learn everything you (n)ever wanted to know about creating bloody fake arms, a bleeding embedded knife, and other gross, hemoglobin-soaked things. Yay horror! (Also: a make your own horror film competition! Ewness!)
Rock your décor zombie-style.
Now, off to work and play, everyone! And please refrain from using your office supplies to create severed body parts. Or at least don't blame your truancy on me.
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